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The emotional distress of sexual assault

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Last year some time in September. I dated one of my best friends friend. I was so desperate and lonely never had a girlfriend. I was a virgin as well. In the beginning it was awkward. Didn’t know what to say. It was an okay first date. Then we go drinking. The entire time. I’m worried about my best friend with her depression because, I haven’t heard from her in days. She writes this girl we will call “Beth” Beth texted my friend the entire date and it bothered me she wasn’t writing me. Because, she knows how anxious I can get. So, Beth and I started talking and she kissed me. I kissed back of impulse. Then the second date got very strange. Because, she got aggressive and very forward with me. We go on a double date with my best friend and her fiancé. Before that. We made out a lot. Then when we walk to the place to eat. She shows me her thong. she is wearing it as she is walking revealing underneath her pants. It’s the mall! I found that very inappropriate and I got very flustered. Because I wasn’t raised that way. We go and as I’m sitting there she kept touching my crouch. I go to the restroom in anger knowing that I pre-ejaculated in my pants from so much friction. Then, I’m just guessing mix signals. We walk around the mall making out over and over. (I’ve never been kissed so, it just kept happening. It was going too fast) then we get to her car I start hugging her. Saying how much I liked her. Then she kept pushing her rear end on my penis. So much so. I got an erection and asked “what is down there”? She pulls my pants and I said “this is going too far” then she says “get in the car” so I did. That was a mistake. She said “quit being a p***y” twice as she performs oral sex on me at the mall parking lot. I said “I don’t think we would be doing this. What if we get caught? I’m not liking this” she keeps sucking. Then a part of me wanted it because I’m a Virgin. She starts pushing my hand away. I was just holding her hair. I hated it. It’s not in my nature to do things like this. I don’t like it. I couldn’t stay hard at all. I was having a panic attack. Then I think she is driving me home, she took me to a Baptist church parking lot and got naked on top me making out so, I wanted to get it over with even though I didn’t have feelings like she did. I felt numb. I kissed her which I did enjoy, but, then she wanted me to do all these things. So I did just to get it over with. Finally I finish and she snowballs with me. (I was scared so I just said we should try it. I didn’t want too) then I go home. We then Snapchat sex on the phone take photos and live video of each other masturbating. (I felt this is what a relationship is. Even though I am confused and upset over all of it. Felt like I was groomed.) then we meet in my room for sex. It was awful. I didn’t know what to do. My back was in pain and then after it was over. I took the condom off. She jumps on me without the condom. I was so mad I didn’t say anything. I broke up with her the day after. I was so upset, she also. Wanted to do me. with a ball gag in my mouth and a strap on. In September. I had panic attacks this year. I only want to have intercourse for love not lust. I will never ever do that again. that is not how I pictured what love was. that is not how I pictured what Romance is. I really felt like this was just a fling. I felt cheap. I felt used. Everything I stood for was gone. My virginity I can never have it back. I always pictured Luther Vandross,candles,silk sheets,roses and showing someone how much I love them and this was lust. I felt like used. I felt dirty, I felt unloved and used. and it really upset me. The worst part is no one believes me. because I’m a man but people don’t realize because you are a man you are valuable as well because if you push a girl off you. then they can claim, you were being physically aggressive. when really you’re just trying to protect yourself from a 6 foot woman! who is just as big as you are of 300 pounds or so. So, I’ve had a hard time ever since. I have autism. I have depression and I have anxiety. I’ve had these mental issues since I was a child and it’s even worse because of this encounter. The worst part is. no one believes me because I’m a man and no one understands how that makes me feel I cry all the time because of it. I am a man and I was a victim of sexual assault.